Monday, March 30, 2015

Discovering Self Love/Self worth



For the last while, I have not just been healing on the outside/inside ( my physical being) and as you can see from the images below, you can see how far I have come in my outwards appearence... wow what a difference if I say so myself lol
me in halo after accident.  A Christmas picture..laughing and in pain lol
No halo ..yipee but oh my, look at that hair lol

ok... a selfie.. me today!  looking not too bad at all lol




In terms of my healing from my emotional brokenness and believe me the list is just as long in terms of my emotional health being in critical condition, I am happy to report that the healing has begun.

I'm unsure if I can really explain (logically) how this healing has been occurring, but maybe in part when I was in my coma, I guess I had time to think... I call it my dream as it sounds better than being in a different place or a different reality.
My dream of discovery



While I have literally been champing at the bit to get on my with my life, I realized that for true healing to happen, I needed to start really looking at my past..my whole life, the good, the horror, the abuse and the sadness and see if there was any way I could understand on any level the concept of self-worth and self-love.

A reality to many... I have always had a mantra in my head..that mantra has dictated my life for better or for worse, sickness and health

I"M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

How could this even happen...how could I, an intelligent human being believe such crap?

To be honest it was easy, I had been trained by people as a child that I was never good enough for anything, it was instilled in me from the day I was put in the various foster homes and then the fateful hell of being adopted into a family who could give the term "demons" a new meaning.

No matter what I did or how I did it...it was either wrong, it was never good enough , fault found in everything...did I dream this hell? did I imagine this hell?

NOPE! It was my life and I grew to believe that I never deserved anything more than what I got.

Self worth? How can one be worthy of anything when all you can do is screw up

Self love? How can anyone love a miserable person who could never do anything right?

For too many years this is how I lived, thought and believed. Many people who knew me, never got to see these feelings as I kept them hidden as much as I could, but I suspect some people did see the "real me" and I would run and hide one way or another.

I want to share with you a few things, if I may?

I have had to deal with realities! I have read, listened to music, and talked to people who understand how it feels to be so put down for their thoughts and beliefs...just ordinary people who have been there done that.
We all share a bond of being so hurt that the child in all of us never had a chance to heal and we could never accept us as something that is beautiful and so incredibly unique.

Even in my hell, I have always believed or maybe it was a hope that love should be freely given, it can never be earned and should always be accepted ( yes the hippie era taught me that and I have held onto it for dear life but it has always been a tough concept for a person who has heard her whole life...you cant love others until you love yourself. )

I believe that my salvation has been the ability to love so pure and I can count them on two hands...two of them being my beautiful children. I suspect that I have been evolving since then... If I could create two beautiful creatures then surely I could not be so bad after all.

Unfortunately, being a human being, I went off that path and went back to my not being worthy and I sure did a lot to make it a reality.


What has changed? ME!



I am learning that loving myself and self worth does not have to be earned...it just is!

Remember the movie Cool Runnings? There is one quote that says this more elequently than I can "An Olympic Gold Medal is a nice thing, but if you're not good enough without it... you'll never be good enough with it."

A simple reality for me and maybe you also is that while you seek self worth and self love only YOU can find it in yourself and only from within.

Another simple reality is that its not enough to find it once or twice, because life happens and shit can happen and you may find yourself losing your grip and slipping into those same old comfortable doubts again!

We need ways and means to help fight the zombie demons of our past from taking over our lives and we need to teach ourselves that we are worthy of all that love we richly deserve.

One of the Buddhism concepts that I read and its been hard for me to think about  is that we are all born absolutely, 100% perfect. Think of a newborn baby - perfect!
Then life happens, and the expectations of others, and that perfection gets lost in the noise and dirt of everyday existence. I cry when I read these words as I realized that when I was born..I was pure..it took a lot of hurt and pain to create the injuries to me.

I feel that since the accident I have begun to understand that I need to be to believe in myself and being worthy of love is the beginning of that change. 
With the love and help and support of some very wonderful people, they are all helping me realize that I am lovable..and I am very worthy...its not easy!


legendary Basketball coach Pat Summitt made this statement "It is what it is, but it will be what you make of it." 
That is life! We can make ourselves better or we can harm ourselves by not believing in our selves, we can make this decision..a miracle to itself! 
To share this with better clarity for many people they can start to think they ARE their (perceived) achievements and their (perceived) mistakes, and putting them in a balance of good/bad is and that is what makes them lovable.
 NOPE! 
We're all still perfectly lovable, under those layers, exactly as we are!!

To accept that we are human, with flaws, but yet perfect in many and varied ways, and to love ourselves in spite of ourselves, is to be who we are, comfortable in knowing that what others think of us  is not as important as what we think about our true self. 

There is no amount of validation, acceptance, praise or words that can reach anyone that doesn't first know how to validate their own worth and understand their own place of value in humanity.


If we keep beating ourselves up, its just hurts more. Giving ourselves the permission to love who we are, is the remedy to what ails and stagnates us in our journey.

Self-love and self-worth sure are are peculiar animals aren't they? I shake my head with my learning ... I am just a kid who is taking a bit longer to learn a life lesson.

I will give one word of warning and its very very important.... there may be those you will meet in this life that no amount of Love, no matter how freely given, will ever fix a person or even a people who are disconnected, 
I  guess you can only hope they will learn to love themselves to accept the gift that is given to them and they find their own self worth to deserve the gift being given.

It is time for me to keep moving forward on my path, it wont be easy and yep I know I will make mistakes, I truly hope and pray that my inner struggle will never cause harm, to anyone I encounter




With love!
remember to give yourself a hug everyday!




editors note: these are all the different thoughts that I have felt over the last few months. Putting them together in a way that made sense has been a challenge, but it is my hope that these random thoughts will make a difference in another persons life.